The Last Enemy to be Destroyed is
by anneelizabeth
Summary: James has a plan to win Lily: to get rid of all the things standing in the way. First obstacle? Her greasy slimy secretly-in-love-with-my-flower friend. James' POV It's comedy, I swear, inspite of the serious title.


Chapter 1: Snivellus

Chapter 1: Snivellus

Eurgh, look at him, greasing the floor with his hair. Get away from him before he drips oil all over you, Lily! Seriously, _why _is MY flower going around with someone who is fit to be fried in a pan?

Hey, that's not a bad idea. In fact, since the day was so hot…it was the perfect prank!

"Padfoot!" I yell, looking around. Where is that mangy mutt?

"Present, sir," he answers with a salute, immediately leaving a wake of very disappointed girls behind.

"Game for some frying?" I ask, grinning evilly.

Padfoot rubs his hands gleefully. "What are we doing to Snivellus today?"

Moony arrives, looks at the evil-prank-on-Snivellus look on both our faces and sighs. We should have that look trademarked. "I _knew _it wouldn't be long."

"Aw come on, Moony," I say. "SnivOILlus's oily grease is going to seep into Lily if we don't get rid of him soon. We'll be doing her a favor!"

"But he's Lily's friend," pipes up Peter from under Sirius' elbow. "She obviously doesn't mind hanging out with him."

"We'll make her see the danger of it," I say, my grin getting bigger.

"Besides," adds Sirius. "Prongs will have more chances with Lilykins without Snivy sliming the air around her."

"Exactly, Padfoot my dear friend," I say.

And I really do think Snivy fancies MY Lilyflower, which disgusting as it is, Lily doesn't seem to know about at all. No one takes my flower away to be drowned in oil!

Oooh this is going to be great! Watch your greasy back, Snivellus. You're going down!

Ah, there's my flower. She's not with Snivy today! Oh, she's absolutely gorgeous. She's so pretty when she laughs. Sigh. Lilyflower, _why_ won't you go out with me?

"Get ready," Sirius mutters under his breath.

Huh? Oh. Right. The prank. "Ready with the frying pan, Wormy?" I ask.

Peter waves a huge frying pan excitedly. Idiot. "Don't be obvious!" I hiss as I get my wand. I see Snivy sliming his way toward Lily and her friends. But thanks to _my _amazing strategy, he has to pass us before he can get to them. Perfect.

He looks apprehensive when he sees us, but scowls darkly and begins to walk pass us. Right into our trap, Snivy, ol' greaseball. He is almost past us, when I mutter, "Levicorpus!"

Snivy's greasy ankle is whipped up into the air at the same time that Sirius enlarges the pan and puts it under him.

Bloody Merlin. It's bad enough he's a greasy slimeball, but that's still no excuse for not washing underclothes!

"You're fit to be fried, Snivy," I say laughing. "We just have to let the oil drip from your hair first."

Ah there's my flower, absolutely enraged and absolutely beautiful. "Put him down now!" she screams at me.

I love it when Lily screams at me. I'm the only one who she ever screams at. Of course, she's nice to everyone else. Really kind, that girl. I wouldn't mind some niceness too, but hell, as long as she notices me, I can stand anything.

She's so pretty. I could write a sonnet now. _Shall I compare you to a...a midsummer something. _Ah her lovely lips are moving again. Say something, Potter.

"Go out with me Evans and I'll never torment Snivellus here again," I say. Oops. Didn't mean to say that now.

She looks at me in disbelief venomously and screams, "I'd rather date the Giant Squid! Put him down!"

Her cheeks are pink with anger, and her green eyes are flashing sparks at me dangerously. Ahh flower, you don't know what you do to me.

Suddenly I hear Snivellus snarl, "I don't need help from Mudbloods like you."

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID HE JUST CALL HER?? Rage boils inside me and I whip my wand at his neck. "APOLOGIZE TO EVANS!" I roar. Weren't they supposed to be bloody bestfriends? I'm going to hex him into oblivion…rip his stupid head apart piece by piece… punch him to a pulp…curse him to eternity…

Lily is taken aback, but then says smoothly, "Fine, _Snivellus_."

SNIVELLUS? Today could NOT go any better. I'm grinning like an idiot. She called him Snivellus. She called him Snivellus. She called him…

I notice that Lily is looking at me strangely. Oops. Might have been too enthusiastic there. Before I say anything though, she says, "This doesn't change the fact that you're a bullying, arrogant toerag."

"But I'd never call you a you-know-what!" I say indignantly. Honestly! Lilyflower, Lilykins, Lily-love-of-my-life, can't even compare to _that. _

"Potter," she says quietly and seriously.

Padfoot and Wormtail have disappeared and Lily and I are alone. Oh bloody hell. I suddenly feel the urge to blurt out everything in a very uncool manner.

"Please, Lily, go out with me? Please? It's been five years. Why wont you give me a chance?"

She looks serious. Really serious. And quiet. "Potter, you bully people for the fun of it. You hex people who don't do anything to you for a laugh. You push people around and you think the whole world revolves around you and that people are made to snog you, worship you, or be hexed by you. That's almost as bad as insulting someone by calling them mudblood."

Shit. I had no idea that's how low she thought of me. There was suddenly a heavy weight on my chest and if I were a girl, I'd probably have gone off to cry. But I'm a bloody bloke with an ego bigger than his head. And she was wrong about me.

"Lily, I only hex Sniv-Snape because if I didn't, he would hex me!" Before she could contradict, I add smirking, for the sake of my aforementioned ego, "And some people do like to snog me and 'worship' me and even 'serve' me. But I don't think they worship me as much as I worship you."

Lily is glaring at me again. Ahh the smirk always gets to her. "You—you—" she sputters for a moment. "Here I am, giving you some _friendly _hints in a civilized manner and--and—you know what, it doesn't matter."

She walks away quickly before I can move. She cares! She cares! I almost dance with happiness. Ah Lilylove, I knew you'd come around!

Then I stop and remember all the things she said. And I realize that part of what she said was true. I do hex random people, but it's because it's a way to get her to scream at me, being a prefect and all. And I have to admit, it's fun, especially if the said random person was say, a Slytherin, _cough Snape_ _cough. _Or one of Lily's admirers. Or one of…

Oh bloody Merlin. I AM an immature jerk. I AM a bullying toerag. I AM someone Lily—kind, sweet, compassionate, Lily—would never, ever go out with.

I need to think.

"Where the hell were you?" asks Sirius as I climb the portrait hole wearily.

It's past midnight and I just came back from flying around the Quidditch pitch. "Out flying," I mutter wearily.

"Well, we have news for you, Prongsie my boy," says Sirius jovially.

WHY is Sirius always so goddamn hyper? It's like he's on a permanent cheering charm.

"Your plan to destroy Snivellus worked!" says Peter triumphantly.

"Huh?"

Remus turns from his essay and manages to explain what apparently just happened a few minutes ago outside. I'm grinning idiotically.

"So they're not friends anymore?" I ask for the hundredth time.

"For the last time, NO." says Moony exasperatedly.

I'm still grinning. Lily and Snivy aren't friends anymore! They're not friends! They're not friends! Merlin, this mind cheer must be part of the effect of hanging out with Padfoot and his bloody cheering charm

"Why were you flying at this hour, anyway?" asks Sirius. "We haven't seen you since the scene with Evans!"

I stop my mind cheer. Oh yes. There's still that problem.

At least Snivellus and his grease are out of the picture.


End file.
